There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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