youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
