I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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