oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my phone needs a breathalizer
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
