I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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