My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
