Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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