mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Floor bacon is actually really good
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