theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
