i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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