Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
