Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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