I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
