Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize