It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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