so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
