Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
