So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
