she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.