I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My penis needs a shock collar
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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