we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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