Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
