Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
