Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
