good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
