Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
