Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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