My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
