I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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