Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
