I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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