thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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