my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
