she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
