just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
