I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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