between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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