me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
