She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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