I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
