Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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