I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
