Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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