this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
