I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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