he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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