I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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