I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize