why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
