i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
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Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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