"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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