make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
