my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All I want is dick and wine.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
