Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
