good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
