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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
